This is the sad one.
The one that’s going to hurt to read. That someone is going to say made them cry. The one that I wish I could cry about.
It’s been years. I don’t miss the past anymore, that season has been over for many moons.
But the present is exhausting right now.
The music. The phone calls. The talking. The loud videos on phones. The lights on. The small bed. The …
dude. I just want a quiet place to lay my head.
I would love it to be with you.
Wishing and wanting doesn’t do anything for the present. But sometimes when things are out of your control, hope for a better day is all you can focus on.
Just a quiet night on the couch.
You leaning against me. I know exactly the texture of your pants. How your sweater felt in my hands and your skin underneath my fingers. The gentle way we rest our legs against each other when we are sitting out in the grass. The way that we laugh and laugh and laugh, until rice is on my face and we’re laughing at that instead.
It’s a full moon tonight.
I used to keep all of the dates of the full moons for the next two years on a handwritten piece of paper above my bed.
I would make handwritten copies, and sprinkle them with stars and constellations.
Celestial bodies are always there. The Sun is unrelentingly consistent, but the stars come and go depending on your elevation, surroundings, the clouds in the sky.
I may have a copy now. But I can’t see the moon when I’m home anymore.
Home.
Fu
I say it with a smile on my face. I say it with a laugh. I wear it with pride but
it fucking hurts to not have a place to call my home.
it’s psychologically exhausting.
No escape. No peace. No predictability.
I do have a roof over my head.
I keep food in my belly.
The money that flows through me flows to me.
But I am not allowed to have a home right now.
Love fills in the gaps.
It’s the mortar between my nonexistent bricks.
I don’t even know how you’re holding it together. You have so much on your plate. On your family’s plate. On your courseload and your barbells.
I carry what I can but I know I can’t fill in the gaps.
Faith does for now.
That I’m thankful for. Hope, and a lot of stubbornness. Persistence in the midst of doubt. A ship with a destination charted can make it through any storms.
smooth seas never made a skilled sailor.